Depression Getaway with Wendy Love

Recently I decided to try a new therapist. I had hit a particularly low period which was lasting too long. I was desperate. Feeling depressed, vulnerable and needy, off I trotted to a stranger's office.   I figured there was no way I could feel worse than I was already feeling, and maybe, just maybe a new therapist might have some fresh insights. It turned out to be a poor choice. We often make poor choices when we are feeling our worst.

Aren't those grapes pretty and frosty? Yes, that is a picture of frozen grapes! If you haven't tried them yet you are in for a wonderful sweet surprise. Frozen grapes are so sweet they can easily substitute for candy.

Doesn't that look yummy? Can you resist? Do you experience food cravings ? Food is often the 'drug of choice' as Dr. Phil would say. It sure can sooth depression for the few moments that it is in your mouth! But does it satisfy?

Step-parenting is a tricky business. You are NOT the 'real parent'. You do NOT enjoy the same privileges or shoulder the same responsibilities as 'the real parent'. 'Step' means just that, you are a step away, a step down, a step apart from being the 'real parent'.  It's kind of like being in the passenger seat in the front of the car.  You are NOT  the driver, you are NOT  in charge. Whether things go wrong or right, it is NOT  your fault. Even though you are there, you are just a bystander. You see everything and you hear everything but you are NOT  in control.

"I am a successful business woman", did you know that about me? Let me tell you about it. For most of my adult working years I was a self-employed artist. I specialized in hand-painted signs, mailboxes, furniture, milk cans and all sorts of other neat things.  I also taught decorative painting, popularly known back then as 'folk art'. I certainly did not make much money but I enjoyed it. I could work from home, which was important to me and I could even take my kids along to craft shows. In many ways it was a family business.

Successful step parenting - easier said than done! When I married for the second time, I had already raised two daughters who were off to university. My new husband had three teenagers who lived with us half the time. I was motivated and determined and hopeful to have a positive relationship with them. Just let me set the record straight. My stepchildren, now 36, 34 and 32, are three of the nicest people I know. 

As an elementary school teacher, I was determined that children would achieve success whether they were the smartest kid in the class or not.  Whether that success was just managing to get out a notebook and a pencil and write the date, or memorize a long scripture passage, success was the goal and I made sure that I structured lessons so everyone could experience a degree of success.

I remember it like it was yesterday. My happy childhood was lived out in a beautiful neighbourhood near the Scarborough Bluffs in Toronto, Ontario. I had a cozy home and a family who loved me.  I worked hard and helped around the house but other than that I was an indulged kid with a privileged life. My time was my own and I spent a lot of my teen years lying on the floor in front of the 'hi-fi' listening to Glenn Campbell over and over and over.

See that bay window? It has two rocking chairs inside where I spend many happy hours.  This second floor two bedroom apartment is where my day begins. Every morning I leave it for 30 minutes or more to go on my small adventure.  I love my morning walk. The small Ontario town I live in offers several precious diversions for me. Walking for depression saves my life, every day .

HELLO! GOODBYE! Recently I was leaving our local hospital on the joyous day of the birth of our seventh grandchild! Just outside the front doors I met a dear friend who's elderly husband had been ill for quite awhile. This was a particularly bad day for her and it looked like he would not last the night. I was struck by the drama of life, by beginnings and endings. I felt sad for her and happy for us, and a little guilty at my joy. And yet this is how life is meant to be, beginnings and endings.

Who doesn't love sunshine? Who doesn't prefer a sunny day over a cloudy day? Who doesn't find that a little sunshine can brighten even a depressing day? Before I moved into my new apartment last year, I painted the whole place a soft pale yellow. It's a sunny place anyways but when the sun shines, the yellow walls make it even brighter. (And if the sun doesn't shine it still seems sunny!) Sometimes when we come home from being away it's so bright that we check and make sure we didn't leave the lights on!

I have the thrill of living across from our local firestation. The workers are all volunteer except for the chief. It's inspiring, even entertaining on practise night and gives me something extra to pray about every time they leave the station. They have practise on Wednesday night and as many volunteers as can make it come along and clean and repair equipment. It looks like they even have a little fun while they are doing it. I live in a small town and sometimes people stop by and chat. Children love to do that.

This past year I had good days and bad days. I know everyone has their ups and downs, not just people with bipolar disorder. But if you have any kind of mental illness, those bad days can feel insurmountable. Those bad days cloud over all of the good days.  There were several times this year when I felt like giving up. There were moments when I thought 'how have I managed for so long with these awful thoughts, these feelings of hopelessness? Why do I have to live a life where I am weak half of the time as I would be if I had the flu?' 

Looks like this Santa needs to come to our 'Christmas Rehab Camp'. I've rewritten new lyrics to this favorite tune of 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' for our camp theme song: You better watch out, Go have a good cry, You better lie down, I'm telling you why, Christmas let-down can be so hard. You've thrown out your list You've hidden the scales Now catch up on sleep Don't open the mail Now you can relax and reflect. You've worked so hard to get there, And now it's almost done, The parties and the presents And all that Christmas 'fun'. So, you better watch out, Go have a good cry, You better lie down, I'm telling you why, Christmas let-down can be so hard.

I used to envy people with faith. I remember thinking 'it must be nice to have the peace that comes with believing that there is a God who cares." I wanted to believe, but for some reason, I couldn't. My sister became a Christian before I did. I trusted my sister and she started lending me some interesting books about faith in Jesus Christ. Then I started reading my bible and even going to church. As I opened my heart to Jesus, He walked into it and has been living there ever since.

Christmas is popular in so many ways.  'Christmas' sells. Movies based on a Christmas theme and books about Christmas are top sellers. They are all about love. What's not to love about love ? I enjoy   Christmas movies. You can usually count on pretty scenery and happy endings and they are wholesome enough that the whole family can watch together. That is a lovely depression getaway for me! I am able to realize that they are not real and I do not compare my life to them. They are strictly entertainment.

My Christmas surprise - spoiled by me!  One of the magical parts of Christmas for many of us is SURPRISE . Little did I know when I was a child how much work went into setting up these surprises. I was 15 and my sister was 18. By now I had long gotten over one of the first big letdowns of Christmas - there was no Santa. I still enjoyed the magic of the surprise presents under the tree.

Juggling Christmas with depression - not easy, but not impossible. I remember the first Christmas I gave myself permission to 'scale back' . I was so sick with depression I wanted to cancel it altogether but our five kids were still all in their twenties and even though there were no grandchildren yet, I wasn't prepared to give up on hosting Christmas.  So far our house was the gathering place and I was so thankful that these five wonderful kids were still willing to spend time with the family, especially since we are a 'blended' family.  Besides, sick or not, being together with all of our kids is one of my best depression getaways. Selfishly, I did not want to deprive myself of that. Truthfully, I hoped this Christmas was just a little bump in the road and next Christmas I would be 'my old self' . 

This Staples ad gives me a depression getaway giggle everytime. It is such a fun use of that Christmas song, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." Here are some of the lyrics 

Look at that happy family! They appear delighted to see each other. The wreath on the door suggests they are ready for Christmas and for company. I just bet that behind that door there is Christmas music playing, a fireplace crackling, the smell of home cooking and a beautifully decorated tree packed with presents underneath. That was not unlike the family I grew up in. Yes, some people really do have families like that. My many years of living, however, have shown me that this kind of family is the exception, not the rule. Let me tell you about the first Christmas when my 'happy family' bubble burst. It equals the disappointment of finding out there is no Santa.

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada. It's a sombre occasion, a necessary tribute and an important day for all Canadians. Leading up to this special day, members of the Canadian Legion are out and about selling poppies, which people display on their coat lapels as a symbol of respect and remembrance. It touches me personally every year. My dad served in WWII and due to two years in prison camp he was saved from the battle front. I am aware of how blessed he was along with so many others to have survived. I grew up surrounded by many of his fellow survivors and was made keenly aware of their thankfulness and joy for living. They knew they had been spared and they made the most of it.

Last time I was telling you about my nice yellow sunny apartment and how it cheers me up. The yellow I am referring to is a soft butter yellow. This time I would like to tell you about a time when yellow wasn't the smartest choice I ever made. It was the early 70's. I was a new teacher and thought I knew something, I guess I was a little cocky. One June, the teachers were told that the school was getting some fresh paint and although most of it would be white paint, each teacher could pick a colour for one wall in his or her classroom. I picked a really bright yellow!

Last time I told you about my new bath mat. It reminded me of another bath many years ago, 1998. That's when I married my second husband Cliff and moved into his home with his three children, 14, 16 and 18. I know, crazy right?   Yes I was crazy, crazy in love with this dear man. So since the two of us had both come from failed marriages I was afraid that maybe we needed some help this time. Even though there were no serious issues (yet), Cliff humoured me and off to marriage counselling we went.

I have a new bath mat!  It's a soft ivory colour and it's made out of one of those fabulous new fabrics that would be yummy to sleep on. I like everything about this bath mat, well, almost everything. I guess what I don't like about it is that it doesn't really absorb the moisture. The water sort of sits on the top. So if I forget to hang it up and then walk into the bathroom with dry socks I get wet socks!

I am an INTROVERT . Stated bluntly that means that socializing tires me. Solitude energizes me. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I thought that maybe I just didn't like people at all and that made me feel even more guilty about my condition. But when I realized that I was simply an introvert, I felt less guilty.

'Cause you've got personality, Walk, with personality Talk, with personality Smile, with personality Charm, personality Love, personality And plus you've got A great big heart' You might be too young to remember this song from the 60's . In those days if someone said that a person had a great personality the assumption would be that they were referring to the part of the personality that was thought to make you popular such as outgoingness, friendliness, confidence or maybe a sense of humour. No one who was shy and withdrawn would have been thought to have a great personality. Personality was considered an outward trait. But we have evolved from that to a different time and more insight into the various personality types.

A mental health HERO to me is someone who platforms their suffering to inspire and teach others. Julie Fast is such a person. The attention is not on herself. The purpose is not to inflate the illness or glorify it. The whole point is helping others who suffer in the same way.  Once I discovered I had bipolar depression I began my journey to find out as much as I could about it. I didn't have to go much farther than Julie Fast. She is like a one woman bipolar boot camp.

Bipolar Disorder has a lot in common with a 'quick change artist'. Just for fun, here is a YouTube of a Quick Change Artist at work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oD0R40WikvY Have you ever had an experience where everything is going along just fine? You are on top of the world, totally in control. You feel as though you could do anything and then it all changes in a moment. That is what is happening here to my granddaughter as she attempts to explain something to her brother.

It took eight long years of depression to figure out that I had a form of mental illness called Bipolar Disorder . The difference is significant in the treatment and so this was an important step in my progress. Why did it take so long to figure it out? Bipolar involves both good moods and bad moods. It affects two poles of the brain, not just one. I have Bipolar 2, which some refer to as 'mild bipolar'. The only time I went to see my doctor was when I was in the depths of despair, experiencing the low moods of bipolar which was depression .

'Discovery' can mean different things to different people. Certainly Columbus thought that he 'discovered' America. The truth is, America was already there. The natives probably had a much different point of view.  When I found this poster I was surprised at how many other rather critical jokes there are out there of Christopher Columbus! When you 'discovered' that the symptoms you were experiencing might indicate that you had depression, that was your first step toward recovery. But there are so many more very important steps.