I Don't Feel Like a Victorious Sufferer Today

Today is not a good day. I have them more than I like to admit. I just hate saying those words...again...'I am depressed'.

I usually stay home during those days if possible. About three days of rest and doing the quiet things I enjoy the most like writing, sewing, reading, and colouring or drawing are usually enough to refuel me for a bit more of 'regular living'.

The test to whether I am feeling well again is to get out there and socialize, or shop, or visit. Anything that involves people, a lot of stimulation, driving or travelling usually depletes my limited resources.


If I find those activities totally draining, then I am still not feeling well and it is best to scurry back home to my comfy cave.

But if I'm coping okay and actually enjoying those activities, I'm safe to stay out and play... at least for awhile. Usually three days of activity is my top tolerance level and then it is home for awhile. Usually, if I follow this strategy I can avoid a deep dark long lasting depressive episode.

Do I like living this way?

No I don't.

With PRAYER and DETERMINATION I've attempted, with the help and support of my good husband, to create a life that I can enjoy. I avoid many of those activities and situations that drain me. In an attempt to increase the number of good days and decrease the number of bad days, together we have created something that works, well most of the time.

But sometimes it's not possible to stick to my strategies. There are situations beyond my control which I cannot avoid. This year was filled with these kinds of situations.

My husband has had ongoing eye problems this year which have required several unexpected surgeries and many trips to Toronto which is about 2 hours or so from here. Since his eyes are involved I have to do all of the driving.

We're thankful that this is not life-threatening and yet eyesight is not to be dismissed as a minor problem.

And then there has been the strain of worry over what could be potentially very serious for his eyes. There is the tension of making sure he does exactly what the doctors tell him to do. There is the added stress of doing the things for 'us' that he usually does. And there is the grief over temporarily losing my 'caregiver' while he is out of commission. Add to that the strain of doing all of the things that I don't cope well with; being with people, travelling, just being away from my 'safe house'.

We've had a lot of help both here and in Toronto. Friends and family have shared in some of the driving. But it is still up to me to be the main support for my husband.

And since I am emotionally frail even on a good day, these bad days have been tough. And there have been so many of them and this trial has been going on now for almost a year.

I can sometimes push myself when necessary but it's like driving a car on fumes. There's no actual gas in my tank. I'm not running on real energy but adrenalin, and sometimes there's not even adrenalin to get me through.

And besides, adrenalin boosts are dangerous for someone with bipolar. It puts me into a hypomanic state which only leads to one thing, a crash.

As long as I can rest between episodes I'm okay, well sort of. But just when we thought he was doing fine, and just when I had hoped for a few days to rest and recover, something would happen and back to the surgeon we would go.

There has been a lesson in all of this for me. I am once again reminded that I cannot be the person I used to be before mental illness became my constant companion. I can't be that person any more than I could have a baby at my age of 66 years.
And since I can't be that person I have had to figure out how to cope with these challenges when they come.

I really had thought I was doing that. I mean I got as much help as I could but there is a limit to the amount of asking I was prepared to do. 

But there is one thing I didn't do. I didn't predict the effect that this would have on me, the long term effect.

During a 'normal' time of our lives, three busy days need to be followed by three quiet days, rest and recovery days.

But I failed to predict how many days I would need to recover from a year of busy and difficult days. When after three days of rest I would think I was good to go and then I would fall apart at the least little thing.

And so I'm adding a new category to my list of 'strategies'.
"How to Cope and Recover from a Stressful Situation that lasts for a Long Time."

And that's what we are going to talk about next time!

WHAT ABOUT YOU? How are you feeling today? What are you going through these days? Do you find your regular coping strategies still work during times of extreme stress?

Don't give up! There is hope for depression.