Selfish, Self-absorbed or Self-Care?

If  this lady said "I can't go on this trip because I can't go up those stairs in my wheelchair" would she be selfish or realistic?

Many years ago a  friend attempted suicide. It was the first time anyone in his family was aware that he was depressed. My husband and I spent some time with this man and his wife and shared a bit of what we had learned about handling depression.

When I said to the wife that I don't travel well and so even if my husband likes to, we don't because I can't.

"Well, isn't that kind of selfish?" she said.


"Yes it is" I replied "but being selfish has saved my life. Not being selfish caused your husband to want to take his life. He thought he was a burden and didn't want to be." Well I wasn't that blunt but you get the idea.

We went on to talk about the difference about 'being selfish' and 'self-care'.

I was raised by parents who put four years of their young adult lives into WWII - my dad with fighting, my mom with waiting. They had to grow up early. They lived a life of duty and sacrifice and putting their own needs below the needs of others.

I was taught by them to do the same. 'Always think of others before you think of yourself.' Not a bad lesson for any child but there can sometimes be an underlying message in this:

'DON'T THINK ABOUT YOURSELF, YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT.'

I was born into a different time in history than my parents. I was a baby boomer, also known as 'the ME generation'. I did find that this 'me' generation conflicted with the way I was raised.

"Generation Me has never known a world that put duty before self, and believes that the needs of the individual should come first." (I can no longer find the original source of this quote).

This ideology was frowned upon by my parents' generation and I felt quite guilty even being part of this 'me' time in history, not that it was my fault.

That guilt has stayed with me throughout my life and never more than since I've had depression. You see, depression forces me to think about me, a lot! It's not just that this illness makes me introspective, but I absolutely must think about 'me' in order to survive in a world that does not always suit mentally ill people.


'Self-care' is a fairly new term for me but it describes exactly what is necessary in order to survive mental illness.

‘Self-Care is what people do for themselves to establish and maintain health, and to prevent and deal with illness. It is a broad concept encompassing hygiene (general and personal), nutrition (type and quality of food eaten), lifestyle (sporting activities, leisure etc.), environmental factors (living conditions, social habits, etc.) socio-economic factors (income level, cultural beliefs, etc.) and self-medication.’

You may want to look into this a little more. Just google 'self-care' and have some fun.

I've been doing 'self-care' for a long time now. I never called it that before but it's what I had to do in order to survive a life challenged by depression..

As a mother and a wife and a grandmother this idea of self-care is contrary to what I set out to do before I had a mental disorder. It wasn't easy but I had to do it and it makes a big difference. I'm fairly honest about it with family and close friends and when I have to cancel some visiting or other activities they understand and know it's nothing personal.

Occasionally when I ignore my limitations and overdo things I suffer for days afterwards. It isn't worth it to ignore your own needs when you have a mental illness.

So is it selfish? Yes! Is it survival? Yes! But 'self-care' sounds more acceptable, more necessary, don't you think?

WHAT ABOUT YOU? How are you feeling today? Are you taking good care of yourself?  Have you ever heard of 'self-care'? Do you already do some of it?

Don't give up! There is hope for depression.