My First 'Married' Merry Christmas - Not So 'Merry', Part 1 of Taking Control of Christmas Chaos
Look at that happy family! They appear delighted to see each other. The wreath on the door suggests they are ready for Christmas and for company. I just bet that behind that door there is Christmas music playing, a fireplace crackling, the smell of home cooking and a beautifully decorated tree packed with presents underneath.
That was not unlike the family I grew up in. Yes, some people really do have families like that. My many years of living, however, have shown me that this kind of family is the exception, not the rule.
Let me tell you about the first Christmas when my 'happy family' bubble burst. It equals the disappointment of finding out there is no Santa.
It was a chilly December day in 1971. The scene, Ottawa, Ontario. It is cold and snowing, perfect Christmas weather. My new husband, Bryan, and I made the thirty minute drive out to his mom's to celebrate our first married Christmas. We would divide our time between both families, but give deference to his mom and bachelor brother for Christmas, since that was all there was of his family and it just didn't seem right to abandon them. I was sure that I would be happy as long as my precious new husband and I were together. Little did I know....
Meanwhile, five hours away in Toronto, my family prepared to get together. I can still picture the home I grew up in. My mother had it all decorated. Christmas music from the stereo would be filling the house. In the kitchen window a lit candle burned for our arrival. And when we burst through those doors I could not wait to be embraced in their loving arms. There would be shrieks of delight.
"The kids are here!"
Later aunts and uncles and cousins would join us and there would be laughter and food and presents.
Back to Ottawa. We arrived before anyone else got home and were expecting the empty house to be quiet but nothing could have prepared me for the cold atmosphere that awaited. There was not one sign of Christmas: no cards, no decorations, no cooking, no anticipation of a fun time ahead. Even when my mother-in-law and brother-in-law arrived there was no hugging and no greetings.
Apparently, it hadn't always been this way. When her boys were young, Bryan's mother did make an effort. But as the years went by she became more lonely and more bitter and made less effort.
I had lived a sheltered life. In the cocoon of my happy family, I had not seen very much of the outside world. I knew not everyone was happy but I had no idea that there was someone like this bitter woman.
The next year we invited my mother-in-law and brother-in-law to join us in Toronto for our family Christmas there. Each year we tried something new to make it a happier time.
Another year we arrived early at my mother-in-law's and put up a tree, brought out an old race car set, and put it up in the living room in hopes of creating something we could all enjoy and share. None of the changes made her any happier but it helped us a wee bit.
So you see, Christmases evolved and changes were made many times over the years as needed. I was young and had energy. I was still able to bend and yield and adapt.
When I remarried at age 48, I acquired some more family and my home became the gathering place for relatives who enjoyed Christmas and enjoyed being together. I kept that up for a while but gradually, between getting older and dealing with the limitations of poor mental health, I have handed that over to the adult children and they are doing a great job.
From all of my reading, I understand that Christmas is a difficult time of year for lots of people, not just those of us with mental illness. And so for the next few weeks, we are going to talk about how to do Christmas while continuing to take care of yourself.
If you'd like to get a 'head' start on coping with Christmas this year, read this excellent article found on one of the best websites about depression: "8 Coping Strategies for the Holidays".
Here's a great Christmas movie to warm your heart but also make you feel like you are not the only one with a crazy mixed-up family: The Family Stone.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? Do you find the holidays stressful?
May you have the courage to take control of the Christmas chaos this year and not let the Christmas chaos take control of you.
Don't give up! There is hope for depression.
